Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
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Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.