[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
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*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Schrödinger’s cookie
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place