Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
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We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Favourite diary entry ever
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Well, my evening plans are ruined
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
me hooking up with my ex
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?