YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
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Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Got him!
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.