I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
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*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
*updates tinder bio*
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going