I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
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*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Social Media and Real life
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
The struggle is real.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.