I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
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My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Muppet Screams
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.