Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
You Might Also Like
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated