The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
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To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Cheers Twitter.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Where is your GOD now????
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Help Wanted
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
💁🏻♂️
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.