*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
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I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.