We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
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technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Unexpected Judgment
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Dolls on drugs
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
DOOO EEEET
my first dose meeting my second
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.