Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
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me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief