Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
You Might Also Like
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
(more comics:
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh