Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
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Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?