Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
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My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Spell check is for lasers.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]