Beauty and the Beast
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23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”