It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
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Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
This is the one
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that