Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
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Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is