I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
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Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
crochet youtube is brutal
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Free him
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong