Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
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Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Nice try, poison.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
technically true but not a great slogan
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”