Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
You Might Also Like
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Gross if literal…Liverpool
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour