Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
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Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
can I use a minion as a tampon
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.