“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
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the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.