6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
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Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
*jingles half the way*
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.