Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
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1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
#NeverForget
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”