Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
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Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.