Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
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Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Cheers Twitter.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad