I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
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I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
constantly working on myself.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.