The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
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HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Was it something I said?
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.