I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
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After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Why is everyone getting married at me
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.