You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
You Might Also Like
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
every college guy’s fridge
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
New tinder profile pic
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun