Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
You Might Also Like
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Stop correcting my vodkabulary