Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
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ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
What if all the cashiers are married?
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some