Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
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“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
my name if I was in the mob
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Smallpox sounds so adorable
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone