Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
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Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Fights fire with marshmallows
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.