[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
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When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
This is not me but this is me
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”