I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
You Might Also Like
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Ooh I do like a good funnel
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
lmao
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.