Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
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the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I enjoy a good short stor
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder