Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
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The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”