I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
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People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Two types of dogs.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
some Old Testament wisdom
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor