Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
You Might Also Like
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
drew a comic about my origin story
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.