Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
You Might Also Like
couldn’t resist
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play