When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
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POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Stop sending me this shit.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
*gets down on one knee*