My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
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yeah no that’s fair
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
I have never related to a cat more
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE