My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
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Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.