Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
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He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Noted.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”