My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
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My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I know this now 😂
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude