Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
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911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
😂😂😂
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands