‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
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“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
*puts cutlery down*
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*