Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
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If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Hello Twits.